Fifty's First Father's Days As a Son and as a Father
by lovesfiftyshades
Summary: Just a one-shot about Fifty's First Father's Days as a son and as a father.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Just a little one-shot into the mind of** **Fif** **t** **y...now and when he was a** **troubled f** **ive** **year old on** **Father's** **Day…** **You might want to grab a tissue~**

 **Disclaimer: This is an interpretation of copyrighted original material, with the understanding that such material is 'not for-profit' thus, constitutes fair use. The original characters of Fifty Shades of Grey are owned by E L James. The original content, ideas, characters and intellectual property of this story are owned by lovesfiftyshades as of 2015. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. No copyright infringement is intended. All rights for Fifty Shades of Grey belong to E L James.**

 **Fifty's First** **Fath** **er's Day** **...** **As a Son and as a Father~**

 **Sunday, June 19, 1988**

My new mommy is sitting on the side of my bed. She's talking in her nice voice; I hear her and smell her, that's how I know it's my mommy even though my eyes are closed.

It's the two days during the week my new mommy and daddy don't go to work. It's the second day; the day we have to go to that place all dressed up and be really quiet. They talk about this man named god who loves me. Men are bad, no man is good, and I'm a bad boy so that man could not love me. My new mommy's man, he's my new daddy...he says he loves me. I don't think he does. He hasn't hit me with the belt or kicked me yet, but I'm waiting, I know he will.

Yesterday, we had a party. My new mommy told me we were celebrating the day I was born. She told me I am five years old. We ate macaroni and cheese and I opened boxes that had new toys. She said all the toys are mine, not Lelliott's. We had little cakes in paper cups, my favorite was chocolate with chocolate on top. I think it was one of the best days of my life.

"Christian, son wake up." I'm awake but I don't want to open my eyes. As long as my eyes are closed, my mommy will sit here and I can smell her. She smells, clean. Like something pretty should smell. When I smell her it makes me feel good on the inside, like I can relax.

"Son, wake up. We are going downstairs to make breakfast for Dad and then we have a surprise."

My eyes pop open on their own. I don't like surprises. I am a bad boy and the surprise might be they are taking me back to that other house. I need my blanket.

Lelliott appears at my door.

"Get up, Christian. Dad is taking us out today. Come on, it'll be fun, won't it Mom?"

"It will, darling. Christian, get up and get dressed; we need to get downstairs."

I jump out of bed and go the bathroom. My mommy let's me go in there alone but the door is not closed all the way. I potty, brush my teeth and come out to my room where she's put clothes on the bed for me. I put my pajama's away and pull on the t-shirt and short pants. My shoes have this prikly-sticky stuff on the straps so I can take them on and off myself.

Lelliott and my mom are waiting and we all go down the stairs together.

We get to the kitchen and there are papers and crayons spread across the table. I thought we were cooking breakfast.

My mommy kneels down in front of me and my big brother.

"Boys, today is Father's Day. It's a special day when we honor our daddy's. Now, I want both of you to draw your dad a picture while I make breakfast and then we are going to call dad to come to breakfast and each of you will give him your card. Can you do that for me, Elliott? Christian?"

We did this a few weeks ago, for a day aspecially just for mommy's. I remember, it was a good day.

I don't know what to draw for a daddy. I never had a daddy before so I'm not sure what to do. I think and think. I know he leaves every day with a box of papers in his hand. The papers come from his office and I do know I'm not to touch the papers. I heard my new mommy say something one day about him getting a boat ready. I've never seen a boat before.

Mommy comes to tell us breakfast is ready and asks if our cards are done.

Lelliott shouts for Mommy to look at his; he is so loud sometimes.

I don't think my new mommy or daddy will like my card. Mommy tells Lelliott what a great job his is and then she looks at mine. She puts her hand over her mouth and she looks like she has tears. I'm such a bad boy; I made my new mommy cry. I look at her and she's smiling. I don't understand how you smile with tears in your eyes. Mommy know's it upset's me so she tells me she has happy tears. I don't know happy tears. Sad tears, hurt on the outside tears, mad tears; hurt on the inside, like when they took my other mommy away...those are the tears I know.

"Daddy is going to love your card, Christian."

"Elliott, your dad is working in his study; would you go get him and tell him breakfast is ready?"

"Yes, ma'am." Lelliott bounces off his chair and runs toward the room where my new daddy works with important papers and talks on the phone.

"Walk, son; no running in the house."

"Sorry, Mom." Lelliott calls back as he makes his way down the hall.

My mommy puts a glass of chocolate milk in front of me; I never had this until a few weeks ago and it's the best thing I ever had to drink.

"Just for you my sweet boy. You can drink it now before we eat breakfast." My new mommy is the best mommy in the world. I carefully hold the cup, I don't want to spill a drop. When the sweet liquid hits my tongue, it's so good I have to close my eyes and swallow so I can think about how wonderful it is. I try to make it last but it's so good, I drink it all gone.

I gently put my cup on the table and look at my mommy. It's times like now, I wish my words would work so I could tell her thank you and ask if I could have just a little more. I'd promise I'll be a good boy if I can have just a half glass of the sweet chocolate milk. My words are gone. Even for my mommy, they're gone.

Lelliott and Daddy come back to the table, Daddy takes his seat at one end, beside me and my new mommy sit's on the other end beside me. Lelliott is across from me.

Before Mommy can tell us what to do, Lelliott starts talking; sometimes he just talks too much.

"Happy Daddy's Day, Dad. I mean Father's day. Here's the card I made. Christian made one, too."

"Thanks, Elliott. I think I like Happy Daddy's Day best." My new daddy smiles at Lelliott; I think he likes Lelliott. Lelliott is smiling as new daddy looks at his card.

"Elliott, I love this card and I love you, son." Lelliott jumps down and hugs new daddy; new daddy puts both arms around him. I'm not going to give him my card; he can't put his hands on me; I need my blanket. I can't get up, my new mommy has told us we can't leave the table unless we are told we can leave.

"Christian, give Daddy your card." I hold it in my hands and shake my head.

New mommy leaves her chair and kneels beside me.

"Sweetheart, Daddy will love your card, too; don't you want to give it to him?" New mommy says he will love my card, he loved Lelliott's card. But no one loves me or anything I do because I'm a bad boy. If he doesn't love it, he might get his belt. My words are screaming in my head, please don't make me give him the card.

"Will it be okay if I give him your card?" New mommy wants to give him the card. Maybe she won't let him hit me. My other mommy never stopped her men from hitting me but this mommy is different. I release my card and new mommy hands it to my new daddy.

He looks from me to my new mommy and then takes the card in his hands. Here it comes. I'm going to close my eyes until it's over.

"Elliott, can you come in the kitchen and help me son?" My new mommy is taking Lelliott away. He doesn't get hit with the belt, he's not bad, it's only me.

I feel the movement at my side and I brace myself for the hit that I know is coming.

"Christian, open your eyes and look at me, son." He's speaking softly like new mommy talks, he wants me to watch him hit me.

I slowly open my eyes and he is kneeling beside me. He looks like he has water in his eyes.

"I love your card and I love you Christian. I need to talk to you about your picture. This person here, with a big shoe on his foot and something hanging in his hand, that is not me, son. You put an 'X' through this man and little boy who is on the floor and that's right. This man, with a belt and a big boot, is never going to hurt you again. No one will ever hit you with a belt and no one will ever kick you, not in my house. I don't ever want you to be this little boy again. The man and little boy on this side of the paper; the one smiling, holding the hand of the little boy; that's me and you." He reaches for my hand and I'm frozen. He's going to touch me, I didn't mean for him to touch me; I gasp for a breath. He takes my hand in his and holds it; and that's all; he doesn't touch me anywhere else.

"You are my son, Christian, and I'm not going to hurt you. I love you and I will protect you. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?" He doesn't know my words don't work; we don't talk much. I look into his eyes, we've never been this close before. His face always looked hard but up close, it's soft. I want to tell him I hear him. Time will tell if he means what he says. He lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses it. "I love you Christian; I know you don't trust me; but I promise, I'll show you how much I love you."

"Mommy, Elliott; we're hungry in here!" Daddy calls out and Mommy and Lelliott come back to the table.

Mommy serves us all the pancakes and bacon we can eat. Once we finish; Daddy tells us to wash up; we are all going out for the day.

The sun is shining and it's hot outside. We drive in the car for a while and when we stop, it's beside the water.

"Look at all the boats, Christian. Dad, are we going on your boat, today?" Lelliott knows about things I know nothing about.

"We'll see; let's get our things and see what we can find to do." Daddy tells him.

Once we are outside the car, Daddy talks to us.

"Boys, listen to me and listen carefully. We are going to walk on the dock; you will hold our hands and you will not let go. You will listen to us and do exactly what we tell you and if you don't; we'll leave and go home and you'll spend the rest of the day in your room alone. Do you both understand?"

"Yes, sir." Elliott says.

"Christian?" Daddy looks at me and my eyes answer.

Daddy gets a big basket out of the car and Mommy gets a big bag.

"Let's go have some fun." Daddy takes my hand and Mommy takes Lelliott's. My mommy always holds my hand, never my daddy; they think I'll be a bad boy.

"Look at all the big boats!" Lelliott yells.

"Have you ever seen a boat before, Christian? All these boats are built to go out on the water. Some have motors, some have sails they raise and some have both. Did you know daddy has a boat and we are going to get on our boat and go for a ride out on the water today?" I can't even understand what my new daddy is talking about.

We turn and walk down to one of the biggest boats I've seen so far. Lelliott is talking but I haven't been listening. I've looked at all these boats and tried to see what is different about them. We stop and there is a walk way over to get on this boat. And that's what we do.

My new daddy looks down at me. "This one is ours Christian; this is my boat."

We get on daddy's boat and Mommy takes us down some stairs out of Daddy's way while he gets the boat ready. Mommy get's us some juice and then puts lotion on us so we don't burn. Then she puts this special coat on us, a life jacket. I put mine on and she tightens it. When she's sure we are buckled in our jackets; we walk up the stairs.

Daddy is sitting in a big chair at a big wheel. There's a man at the side of the boat who's pulling ropes off hooks on the dock. Once he throws the ropes on the boat he hops on with us. He comes over where we are sitting.

"Hi, Joe; there are my boys; Elliott and Christian."

"Hello, mates! Elliott, I believe you are to help me." The man is talking funny. Lelliott takes his hand and goes off with Joe. My new mommy looks at me and takes my hand. We walk up to where my new daddy is sitting at the big wheel.

"Christian, will you help Dad drive the boat?" My new mommy lets go of my hand and my new daddy holds out his. I've never been on a boat before and my new daddy is going to let me drive.

"I'll leave you boys to it." My new mommy leaves me. I watch her walk away and she sits down on a bench in the center of the boat. She looks up and waves. It makes me smile.

"Christian, can you step up here on this stool, son?" He takes my hand and I step up to stand on a stool between him and the big wheel. When I stand up there, I can see all the other boats. I've never seen anything like this in my life.

"Ready, Dad?" Lelliott is yelling from the side of the boat with the man named Joe.

My new daddy puts both his thumbs up in the air. I hear something roar and feel the floor vibrate.

"Okay, Christian; both hands up here on the wheel." I put my hands on the shiny wooden wheel and I feel it move in my hands. Daddy puts his hands just under mine. "Once we get out in the open water, I'll let you steer on your own. When we are turning the wheel you have to let it slide through your hands. I know you are close to me Christian and I promise, I'll try my best not to touch you, son." My new daddy is talking to me just like my new mommy does, nice and slow.

The boat slides out and goes between all the other boats. The farther we go, the less boats we see and the more water there is. When we don't see any boats, it feels like we are flying. The man named Joe looks at my daddy and yells, 'cut' really loud. When he does, my daddy tells me to hold the wheel and he presses a button. I don't hear the roaring, now it feels like the wind is blowing us along.

There is a big mountain in front of us.

"Christian, hold the wheel and keep us headed straight for the mountain, okay, son?"

For the first time, I wish my words would work and I could talk to my new daddy. He is talking to me and smiling. I feel like we are flying. He said we are sailing. The wind is blowing through my hair and all I can see is the water in front of me and beside me as it rushes by. The sun is sparkling off the water. I think besides my new mommy, it's the prettiest thing I've ever seen.

I'm standing on the stool, my daddy is sitting in the big chair behind me, the big wheel is in front of me, Lelliott is sitting with my new mommy at the front of the boat now and I see the wind blowing in their hair. The sun is making my skin warm, and I have this funny feeling on my inside. I feel warm on the inside. The part of me that sometimes feels really bad, and sad and hurts; it feels good. I wonder if this is what happy feels like?

I make a decision. I am going to do whatever I have to, I want to be a good boy so my daddy will let me do this again. Maybe one day, if I'm good enough, when I grow up to a big boy or a man like my new daddy; I'll have one of the boats all by myself.

 **Sunday, June 17, 2012**

"Are my boys ready?"

Ana is standing at the end of our bed at Escala. We stayed here last night after Elliott and Kate's wedding. I woke this morning to my son in his mother's arms; him in one arm and a balloon in her opposite hand that had three words I never thought would pertain to me. Happy Father's Day. Even holding my son in my arms as I'm doing now, it's hard to believe.

"Yes, Mommy; we're ready." We are leaving here and going to my parents for Sunday lunch.

"Christian, are you okay?" Ana is standing beside me as I stand with my son. My mind has taken a trip down memory lane while I've held my son the last thirty minutes or so. Ana fed him at nine, after we had a wonderful breakfast with the Taylor's. I wanted her to relax so I sent her in for a bath while I held my baby boy. She's dressed now and ready to head to Bellevue for lunch.

"I'm fine; just a little preoccupied after a trip down memory lane."

"What were you thinking about?"

"Let's get in the car; I'll tell you on the way."

Sawyer is driving us to my parents and Teddy is between us, sleeping peacefully in his car seat. I tell Ana about my first time out on my dad's boat. I hadn't thought about that day in years. I wonder if Dad remembers that day. It's the day I fell in love with sailing.

Ana changed Teddy after feeding him; out of that silly onsie that said, 'My daddy is richer than your daddy'. He is in a seersucker outfit that is smocked on the chest and has sailboats embroidered on it. That must be what triggered my memory.

We hold hands while touching our son, the love between the three of us is overwhelming.

As usual, my mom answers the door before we get up the steps. Teddy is still in the carrier asleep and he is in her hands before we are in the door. At least she has the decency to speak to us.

"Where's Dad?" I ask when I don't see him.

"He has a big case tomorrow and wanted to read until you all arrived; let me get him, he's in his study."

"I'll get him, Mom; you stay here with Ana and Teddy."

"Sure, son; he'll be happy to see you."

There were times I walked this hallway dreading every step. Today is totally different.

The door is slightly ajar; I knock and push it open.

"Dad?"

"Christian, come in son; I didn't realize you were here. Let me put this away and I'll be right out."

"Mom said you have a big case tomorrow."

"I do. It's a business from Spokane, they found several staff were embezzling money. The more we looked the more we uncovered. I won't bore you with the details."

He puts his folders in his briefcase and stands.

"Do you have a minute?" I ask, still wondering if he remembers taking us sailing when we were little.

"Of course, son. Let's sit on the couch. Can I get you a drink?"

"Sure." Dad pours us a finger of some very expensive bourbon, only the best in his liquor cabinet. I'm sure it's a gift from someone, a colleague or a client.

I take the glass and Dad says 'cheers'.

"Happy Father's Day, Dad."

He looks up at me, trying to hide the shock. I honestly believe this is the first time in my life I've said the words to him.

"Thank you, son. Happy Father's Day to you, too."

I tip my glass to him and take a sip.

"Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Of all the times we sat in this study, did you ever dream you'd be sitting in here wishing me a Happy Father's Day?"

He looks at me; he studies me for a moment before speaking.

"Honestly, Christian; it's something I never really thought of, but I'll tell you this. You are an amazing father to that precious baby and I'm thankful every day for the changes in you the last year."

"I held Teddy this morning while he slept, after Ana fed him at nine, while she got ready. He has sailboats on his outfit today and I believe it triggered a memory of mine. I'm sure you probably don't remember this. I thought back to the first time you took me out on your boat. I believe my birthday was the day before and the day we went out was my first Father's Day with you. We made you cards then had breakfast before going to the marina and taking your boat out for the day. You let me stand on a stool at the captain's wheel and when you cut the motor and the sails were up; you told me we were sailing and you let me steer the boat. I believe that's the day I fell in love with sailing, and I'm sure that day began my fascination with boats. I've not been one to share much throughout the years, and I'm sure I've never said thank you."

Dad is looking into his bourbon as if it has the answers to the world's toughest questions.

"We knew Elliot was going to be okay; that he'd make it after his biological parent died. Honestly, Christian, there were days I wasn't so sure about you. Elliot was easy. Mia, well, Mia is Mia. Every step we made with you felt like a success story all its own. We are proud of all three of you. I'm reminded of your success almost every day. The radio, newspaper, TV; I ride by Grey House. I hear it, read it, see it...and sometimes I think, if they only knew. If they could have seen that terrified little boy in the hospital bed, covered in black and blue bruises; and burns. Not an ounce of meat on your bones. If they could have heard your cries at night, and wondered if that'd be the only sound to ever come from your mouth. If people knew how we worried how you'd ever make it through life without anyone touching you. If they knew of all our worried nights when you were a teenager."

Dad shakes his head. "Your survival, your success...it's a miracle straight from the hand of God, Christian. Your mother spent enough time on her knees praying for you. I'll deny it until the day I die but you know she holds you closest in her heart. I know you've worked extremely hard for everything you have, for your business, your financial success and even in your personal life. We love you, Christian. The best decision I've ever made in my life was to bring you home from the hospital and call you my son."

I am completely overwhelmed; we've never really had a talk like this before.

Dad stands and walks toward his desk. "Let me show you something."

He sits and opens the drawer on the opposite side of his desk. I stand and walk to the window as he appears to look through his files. I see the boat house and the water; the sun sparkling like diamonds off the surface.

"Does this look familiar?"

I look down; in my dad's hand is the very first Father's Day card I made for him. The one from the day I told him about earlier.

"You stood at the captain's wheel that day and I thought for the first time you looked free. The wind blew your hair and you stood tall and watched over the bow of the boat just as if you were the captain and in charge. After a while you grew tired and you leaned into my leg for support. It was an unconscious move on your part; it was the closest we'd ever been. I had to hold on to the wheel to keep from wrapping my arms around you."

"I can't believe you have this." I'm barely able to speak, my voice only a whisper. I don't think I've ever been more surprised.

"Son, I cherish everything you children did for me. I saved all the cards."

"I can imagine wanting to do that when Teddy draws his first picture for me."

We stand looking at the picture and out the window for a moment.

"Dad, I'm sure you realize, now that I have a son it changes my entire perspective on parenthood. I'm beginning to understand how you and Mom worried about me and I certainly appreciate now, more than ever before, everything you did for me. Obviously, you saved me; you changed my life."

My dad puts his arm around my shoulder.

"All I did was love you, Christian. It all comes down to love."

"I love you, Dad." I put my arm around his waist.

"I love you, too, son."

~~~Happy Father's Day to that special dad, husband, brother, son or man in your life~~~


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: In honor of Father's Day and Christian's thirty-fourth birthday on Sunday, June 18...A one shot I wrote several years ago with a few new chapters from the present at the end.**

 **Just a little one-shot into the mind of Fifty...now and when he was a troubled five year old on Father's Day…You might want to grab a tissue~**

 **Disclaimer: This is an interpretation of copyrighted original material, with the understanding that such material is 'not for-profit' thus, constitutes fair use. The original characters of Fifty Shades of Grey are owned by E L James. The original content, ideas, characters and intellectual property of this story are owned by lovesfiftyshades as of 2015. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. No copyright infringement is intended. All rights for Fifty Shades of Grey belong to E L James.**

 **Fifty's First Father's Day...As a Son and as a Father~**

Sunday, June 19, 1988

My new mommy is sitting on the side of my bed. She's talking in her nice voice; I hear her and smell her, that's how I know it's my mommy even though my eyes are closed.

It's the two days during the week my new mommy and daddy don't go to work. It's the second day; the day we have to go to that place all dressed up and be really quiet. They talk about this man named god who loves me. Men are bad, no man is good, and I'm a bad boy so that man could not love me. My new mommy's man, he's my new daddy...he says he loves me. I don't think he does. He hasn't hit me with the belt or kicked me yet, but I'm waiting, I know he will.

Yesterday, we had a party. My new mommy told me we were celebrating the day I was born. She told me I am five years old. We ate macaroni and cheese and I opened boxes that had new toys. She said all the toys are mine, not Lelliott's. We had little cakes in paper cups, my favorite was chocolate with chocolate on top. I think it was one of the best days of my life.

"Christian, son wake up." I'm awake but I don't want to open my eyes. As long as my eyes are closed, my mommy will sit here and I can smell her. She smells, clean. Like something pretty should smell. When I smell her it makes me feel good on the inside, like I can relax.

"Son, wake up. We are going downstairs to make breakfast for Dad and then we have a surprise."

My eyes pop open on their own. I don't like surprises. I am a bad boy and the surprise might be they are taking me back to that other house. I need my blanket.

Lelliott appears at my door.

"Get up, Christian. Dad is taking us out today. Come on, it'll be fun, won't it Mom?"

"It will, darling. Christian, get up and get dressed; we need to get downstairs."

I jump out of bed and go the bathroom. My mommy let's me go in there alone but the door is not closed all the way. I potty, brush my teeth and come out to my room where she's put clothes on the bed for me. I put my pajamas away and pull on the t-shirt and short pants. My shoes have this prikly-sticky stuff on the straps so I can take them on and off myself.

Lelliott and my mom are waiting and we all go down the stairs together.

We get to the kitchen and there are papers and crayons spread across the table. I thought we were cooking breakfast.

My mommy kneels down in front of me and my big brother.

"Boys, today is Father's Day. It's a special day when we honor our daddy. Now, I want both of you to draw your dad a picture while I make breakfast and then we are going to call dad to come to breakfast and each of you will give him your card. Can you do that for me, Elliott? Christian?"

We did this a few weeks ago, for a day especially just for mommy's. I remember, it was a good day.

I don't know what to draw for a daddy. I never had a daddy before so I'm not sure what to do. I think and think. I know he leaves every day with a box of papers in his hand. The papers come from his office and I do know I'm not to touch the papers. I heard my new mommy say something one day about him getting a boat ready. I've never seen a boat before.

Mommy comes to tell us breakfast is ready and asks if our cards are done.

Lelliott shouts for Mommy to look at his; he is so loud sometimes.

I don't think my new mommy or daddy will like my card. Mommy tells Lelliott what a great job his is and then she looks at mine. She puts her hand over her mouth and she looks like she has tears. I'm such a bad boy; I made my new mommy cry. I look at her and she's smiling. I don't understand how you smile with tears in your eyes. Mommy knows it upsets me so she tells me she has happy tears. I don't know happy tears. Sad tears, hurt on the outside tears, mad tears; hurt on the inside, like when they took my other mommy away...those are the tears I know.

"Daddy is going to love your card, Christian."

"Elliott, your dad is working in his study; would you go get him and tell him breakfast is ready?"

"Yes, ma'am." Lelliott bounces off his chair and runs toward the room where my new daddy works with important papers and talks on the phone.

"Walk, son; no running in the house."

"Sorry, Mom." Lelliott calls back as he makes his way down the hall.

My mommy puts a glass of chocolate milk in front of me; I never had this until a few weeks ago and it's the best thing I ever had to drink.

"Just for you my sweet boy. You can drink it now before we eat breakfast." My new mommy is the best mommy in the world. I carefully hold the cup, I don't want to spill a drop. When the sweet liquid hits my tongue, it's so good I have to close my eyes and swallow so I can think about how wonderful it is. I try to make it last but it's so good, I drink it all gone.

I gently put my cup on the table and look at my mommy. It's times like now, I wish my words would work so I could tell her thank you and ask if I could have just a little more. I'd promise I'll be a good boy if I can have just a half glass of the sweet chocolate milk. My words are gone. Even for my mommy, they're gone.

Lelliott and Daddy come back to the table, Daddy takes his seat at one end, beside me and my new mommy sit's on the other end beside me. Lelliott is across from me.

Before Mommy can tell us what to do, Lelliott starts talking; sometimes he just talks too much.

"Happy Daddy's Day, Dad. I mean Father's day. Here's the card I made. Christian made one, too."

"Thanks, Elliott. I think I like Happy Daddy's Day best." My new daddy smiles at Lelliott; I think he likes Lelliott. Lelliott is smiling as new daddy looks at his card.

"Elliott, I love this card and I love you, son." Lelliott jumps down and hugs new daddy; new daddy puts both arms around him. I'm not going to give him my card; he can't put his hands on me; I need my blanket. I can't get up, my new mommy has told us we can't leave the table unless we are told we can leave.

"Christian, give Daddy your card." I hold it in my hands and shake my head.

New mommy leaves her chair and kneels beside me.

"Sweetheart, Daddy will love your card, too; don't you want to give it to him?" New mommy says he will love my card, he loved Lelliott's card. But no one loves me or anything I do because I'm a bad boy. If he doesn't love it, he might get his belt. My words are screaming in my head, please don't make me give him the card.

"Will it be okay if I give him your card?" New mommy wants to give him the card. Maybe she won't let him hit me. My other mommy never stopped her men from hitting me but this mommy is different. I release my card and new mommy hands it to my new daddy.

He looks from me to my new mommy and then takes the card in his hands. Here it comes. I'm going to close my eyes until it's over.

"Elliott, can you come in the kitchen and help me son?" My new mommy is taking Lelliott away. He doesn't get hit with the belt, he's not bad, it's only me.

I feel the movement at my side and I brace myself for the hit that I know is coming.

"Christian, open your eyes and look at me, son." He's speaking softly like new mommy talks, he wants me to watch him hit me.

I slowly open my eyes and he is kneeling beside me. He looks like he has water in his eyes.

"I love your card and I love you Christian. I need to talk to you about your picture. This person here, with a big shoe on his foot and something hanging in his hand, that is not me, son. You put an 'X' through this man and little boy who is on the floor and that's right. This man, with a belt and a big boot, is never going to hurt you again. No one will ever hit you with a belt and no one will ever kick you, not in my house. I don't ever want you to be this little boy again. The man and little boy on this side of the paper; the one smiling, holding the hand of the little boy; that's me and you." He reaches for my hand and I'm frozen. He's going to touch me, I didn't mean for him to touch me; I gasp for a breath. He takes my hand in his and holds it; and that's all; he doesn't touch me anywhere else.

"You are my son, Christian, and I'm not going to hurt you. I love you and I will protect you. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?" He doesn't know my words don't work; we don't talk much. I look into his eyes, we've never been this close before. His face always looked hard but up close, it's soft. I want to tell him I hear him. Time will tell if he means what he says. He lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses it. "I love you Christian; I know you don't trust me; but I promise, I'll show you how much I love you."

"Mommy, Elliott; we're hungry in here!" Daddy calls out and Mommy and Lelliott come back to the table.

Mommy serves us all the pancakes and bacon we can eat. Once we finish; Daddy tells us to wash up; we are all going out for the day.

The sun is shining and it's hot outside. We drive in the car for a while and when we stop, it's beside the water.

"Look at all the boats, Christian. Dad, are we going on your boat, today?" Lelliott knows about things I know nothing about.

"We'll see; let's get our things and see what we can find to do." Daddy tells him.

Once we are outside the car, Daddy talks to us.

"Boys, listen to me and listen carefully. We are going to walk on the dock; you will hold our hands and you will not let go. You will listen to us and do exactly what we tell you and if you don't; we'll leave and go home and you'll spend the rest of the day in your room alone. Do you both understand?"

"Yes, sir." Elliott says.

"Christian?" Daddy looks at me and my eyes answer.

Daddy gets a big basket out of the car and Mommy gets a big bag.

"Let's go have some fun." Daddy takes my hand and Mommy takes Lelliott's. My mommy always holds my hand, never my daddy; they must think I'll be a bad boy.

"Look at all the big boats!" Lelliott yells.

"Have you ever seen a boat before, Christian? All these boats are built to go out on the water. Some have motors, some have sails they raise and some have both. Did you know daddy has a boat and we are going to get on our boat and go for a ride out on the water today?" I can't even understand what my new daddy is talking about.

We turn and walk down to one of the biggest boats I've seen so far. Lelliott is talking but I haven't been listening. I've looked at all these boats and tried to see what is different about them. We stop and there is a walk way over to get on this boat. And that's what we do.

My new daddy looks down at me. "This one is ours Christian; this is my boat."

We get on daddy's boat and Mommy takes us down some stairs out of Daddy's way while he gets the boat ready. Mommy gets us some juice and then puts lotion on us so we don't burn. Then she puts this special coat on us, a life jacket. I put mine on and she tightens it. When she's sure we are buckled in our jackets; we walk up the stairs.

Daddy is sitting in a big chair at a big wheel. There's a man at the side of the boat who's pulling ropes off hooks on the dock. Once he throws the ropes on the boat he hops on with us. He comes over where we are sitting.

"Hi, Joe; there are my boys; Elliott and Christian."

"Hello, mates! Elliott, I believe you are to help me." The man is talking funny. Lelliott takes his hand and goes off with Joe. My new mommy looks at me and takes my hand. We walk up to where my new daddy is sitting at the big wheel.

"Christian, will you help Dad drive the boat?" My new mommy lets go of my hand and my new daddy holds out his. I've never been on a boat before and my new daddy is going to let me drive.

"I'll leave you boys to it." My new mommy leaves me. I watch her walk away and she sits down on a bench in the center of the boat. She looks up and waves. It makes me smile.

"Christian, can you step up here on this stool, son?" He takes my hand and I step up to stand on a stool between him and the big wheel. When I stand up there, I can see all the other boats. I've never seen anything like this in my life.

"Ready, Dad?" Lelliott is yelling from the side of the boat with the man named Joe.

My new daddy puts both his thumbs up in the air. I hear something roar and feel the floor vibrate.

"Okay, Christian; both hands up here on the wheel." I put my hands on the shiny wooden wheel and I feel it move in my hands. Daddy puts his hands just under mine. "Once we get out in the open water, I'll let you steer on your own. When we are turning the wheel you have to let it slide through your hands. I know you are close to me Christian and I promise, I'll try my best not to touch you, son." My new daddy is talking to me just like my new mommy does, nice and slow.

The boat slides out and goes between all the other boats. The farther we go, the less boats we see and the more water there is. When we don't see any boats, it feels like we are flying. The man named Joe looks at my daddy and yells, 'cut' really loud. When he does, my daddy tells me to hold the wheel and he presses a button. I don't hear the roaring, now it feels like the wind is blowing us along.

There is a big mountain in front of us.

"Christian, hold the wheel and keep us headed straight for the mountain, okay, son?"

For the first time, I wish my words would work and I could talk to my new daddy. He is talking to me and smiling. I feel like we are flying. He said we are sailing. The wind is blowing through my hair and all I can see is the water in front of me and beside me as it rushes by. The sun is sparkling off the water. I think besides my new mommy, it's the prettiest thing I've ever seen.

I'm standing on the stool, my daddy is sitting in the big chair behind me, the big wheel is in front of me, Lelliott is sitting with my new mommy at the front of the boat now and I see the wind blowing in their hair. The sun is making my skin warm, and I have this funny feeling on my inside. I feel warm on the inside. The part of me that sometimes feels really bad, and sad and hurts; it feels good. I wonder if this is what happy feels like?

I make a decision. I am going to do whatever I have to, I want to be a good boy so my daddy will let me do this again. Maybe one day, if I'm good enough, when I grow up to a big boy or a man like my new daddy; I'll have one of the boats all by myself.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

"Are my boys ready?"

Ana is standing at the end of our bed at Escala. We stayed here last night after Elliott and Kate's wedding. I woke this morning to my son in his mother's arms; him in one arm and a balloon in her opposite hand that had three words I never thought would pertain to me. Happy Father's Day. Even holding my son in my arms as I'm doing now, it's hard to believe.

"Yes, Mommy; we're ready." We are leaving here and going to my parents for Sunday lunch.

"Christian, are you okay?" Ana is standing beside me as I stand with my son. My mind has taken a trip down memory lane while I've held my son the last thirty minutes or so. Ana fed him at nine, after we had a wonderful breakfast with the Taylor's. I wanted her to relax so I sent her in for a bath while I held my baby boy. She's dressed now and ready to head to Bellevue for lunch.

"I'm fine; just a little preoccupied after a trip down memory lane."

"What were you thinking about?"

"Let's get in the car; I'll tell you on the way."

Sawyer is driving us to my parents and Teddy is between us, sleeping peacefully in his car seat. I tell Ana about my first time out on my dad's boat. I hadn't thought about that day in years. I wonder if Dad remembers that day. It's the day I fell in love with sailing.

Ana changed Teddy after feeding him; out of that silly onsie that said, 'My daddy is richer than your daddy'. He is in a seersucker outfit that is smocked on the chest and has sailboats embroidered on it. That must be what triggered my memory.

We hold hands while touching our son, the love between the three of us is overwhelming.

As usual, my mom answers the door before we get up the steps. Teddy is still in the carrier asleep and he is in her hands before we are in the door. At least she has the decency to speak to us.

"Where's Dad?" I ask when I don't see him.

"He has a big case tomorrow and wanted to read until you all arrived; let me get him, he's in his study."

"I'll get him, Mom; you stay here with Ana and Teddy."

"Sure, son; he'll be happy to see you."

There were times I walked this hallway dreading every step. Today is totally different.

The door is slightly ajar; I knock and push it open.

"Dad?"

"Christian, come in son; I didn't realize you were here. Let me put this away and I'll be right out."

"Mom said you have a big case tomorrow."

"I do. It's a business from Spokane, they found several staff were embezzling money. The more we looked the more we uncovered. I won't bore you with the details."

He puts his folders in his briefcase and stands.

"Do you have a minute?" I ask, still wondering if he remembers taking us sailing when we were little.

"Of course, son. Let's sit on the couch. Can I get you a drink?"

"Sure." Dad pours us a finger of some very expensive bourbon, only the best in his liquor cabinet. I'm sure it's a gift from someone, a colleague or a client.

I take the glass and Dad says 'cheers'.

"Happy Father's Day, Dad."

He looks up at me, trying to hide the shock. I honestly believe this is the first time in my life I've said the words to him.

"Thank you, son. Happy Father's Day to you, too."

I tip my glass to him and take a sip.

"Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Of all the times we sat in this study, did you ever dream you'd be sitting in here wishing me a Happy Father's Day?"

He looks at me; he studies me for a moment before speaking.

"Honestly, Christian; it's something I never really thought of, but I'll tell you this. You are an amazing father to that precious baby and I'm thankful every day for the changes in you the last year."

"I held Teddy this morning while he slept, after Ana fed him at nine, while she got ready. He has sailboats on his outfit today and I believe it triggered a memory of mine. I'm sure you probably don't remember this. I thought back to the first time you took me out on your boat. I believe my birthday was the day before and the day we went out was my first Father's Day with you. We made you cards then had breakfast before going to the marina and taking your boat out for the day. You let me stand on a stool at the captain's wheel and when you cut the motor and the sails were up; you told me we were sailing and you let me steer the boat. I believe that's the day I fell in love with sailing, and I'm sure that day began my fascination with boats. I've not been one to share much throughout the years, and I'm sure I've never said thank you."

Dad is looking into his bourbon as if it has the answers to the world's toughest questions.

"We knew Elliot was going to be okay; that he'd make it after his biological parents died. Honestly, Christian, there were days I wasn't so sure about you. Elliot was easy. Mia, well, Mia is Mia. Every step we made with you felt like a success story all its own. We are proud of all three of you. I'm reminded of your success almost every day. The radio, newspaper, TV; I ride by Grey House. I hear it, read it, see it...and sometimes I think, if they only knew. If they could have seen that terrified little boy in the hospital bed, covered in black and blue bruises; and burns. Not an ounce of meat on your bones. If they could have heard your cries at night, and wondered if that'd be the only sound to ever come from your mouth. If people knew how we worried how you'd ever make it through life without anyone touching you. If they knew of all our worried nights when you were a teenager."

Dad shakes his head. "Your survival, your success...it's a miracle straight from the hand of God, Christian. Your mother spent enough time on her knees praying for you. I'll deny it until the day I die but you know she holds you closest in her heart. I know you've worked extremely hard for everything you have, for your business, your financial success and even in your personal life. We love you, Christian. The best decision I've ever made in my life was to bring you home from the hospital and call you my son."

I am completely overwhelmed; we've never really had a talk like this before.

Dad stands and walks toward his desk. "Let me show you something."

He sits and opens the drawer on the opposite side of his desk. I stand and walk to the window as he appears to look through his files. I see the boat house and the water; the sun sparkling like diamonds off the surface.

"Does this look familiar?"

I look down; in my dad's hand is the very first Father's Day card I made for him. The one from the day I told him about earlier.

"You stood at the captain's wheel that day and I thought for the first time you looked free. The wind blew your hair and you stood tall and watched over the bow of the boat just as if you were the captain and in charge. After a while you grew tired and you leaned into my leg for support. It was an unconscious move on your part; it was the closest we'd ever been. I had to hold on to the wheel to keep from wrapping my arms around you."

"I can't believe you have this." I'm barely able to speak, my voice only a whisper. I don't think I've ever been more surprised.

"Son, I cherish everything you children did for me. I saved all the cards."

"I can imagine wanting to do that when Teddy draws his first picture for me."

We stand looking at the picture and out the window for a moment.

"Dad, I'm sure you realize, now that I have a son it changes my entire perspective on parenthood. I'm beginning to understand how you and Mom worried about me and I certainly appreciate now, more than ever before, everything you did for me. Obviously, you saved me; you changed my life."

My dad puts his arm around my shoulder.

"All I did was love you, Christian. It all comes down to love."

"I love you, Dad." I put my arm around his waist.

"I love you, too, son."

New addendum: (6/18/17) Father's Day and Christian's thirty-fourth birthday!

Christian's POV:

I'm awakened to sloppy kisses all over my face and little bodies on each side snuggled in like they belong here. And they do.

My amazing son, the one who made me a father just turned five years old. He'll be going to kindergarten when school starts in August. Where did the time go?

"Is he woked up?" That would be my precious Princess Phoebe who will be three years old in just a few weeks. I've kept my eyes closed and remained perfectly still while I received my wake up kisses.

We are still working on her grammar.

"I know, let's blow strawberries on his belly." Ted pulls the cover down and my t-shirt up. His soft lips are on my belly and I can't help but smile.

Who knew, who believed; less than seven years ago I lived in an ivory tower, all alone except for Gail, Taylor and a nameless, faceless woman who I abused for my physical pleasure. Yeah, yeah, I know it was consensual and the physical part they all agreed to in writing. For the most part, they received pleasure for their pain, sometimes cuming more times that I could count. But the cold, heartless, callus way I treated them...it was emotional and mental abuse. I hate those memories and can't believe I'm thinking of this with both my children in my arms.

I reach out with both my arms and pull my children in even closer. We are all laughing now.

"What do you want to tell Daddy today?" Ana asks as our laughter dies down.

"Happy Father's Day!" Teddy shouts.

"Happy buffday!" Phoebe yells out.

"I am very, very happy." I tell them.

"What makes you happy, Dad?" Teddy asks, his insight amazes us daily.

"Well, let's see. I have a mom and dad, brother and sister who love me. I have a beautiful loving wife who happens to be your mother. And I have a beautiful son and daughter who I love more than anything in the world."

"Even mom?" Teddy asks.

"I love mom in a different way, the husband and wife way. I love you two in the daddy child way. No one will ever love you two like your mother and I will. And there will never be a day when I am not incredibly happy you two are my children and I get to love you everyday." Never, never in a million years did I think I could be as happy as I am this minute.

Happy Father's Day and Happy Birthday Christian Grey!

~~~Happy Father's Day to that special dad, husband, brother, son or man in your life~~~


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